What I didn't believe was that this time would go so fast. Back when I was first nursing S. and she wouldn't quit for hours and hours, until I called my mom in tears and said, "this is going to last forever, and how long do I have to nurse this baby, she won't stop eating." And you know what Mama Grizzly said?
She said: "You need to put her down. Babies are opportunists and they will eat all day long if you let them. She will not starve to death. How long has she been eating as of right now?"
I said: "Two hours."
Long dreadful pause. And then this:
Imagine your mother laughing and snorting into the phone while you sit there with a baby attached to your chest, snot and tears running down your face. Imagine feeling like the biggest failure in the world and your mother is laughing at you.
In a loving way, of course.
And then she said these words, which may be the only words my mother has spoken to me that I have retained in perfect clarity (except for the ringing of the phrase: switch the loads).
"This will go by so fast. It seems endless now. But you'll blink your eyes and one day she will be 10."
I want to cry right now, because my mom was right.
My baby is almost 10. And I have wasted so many moments of her life. Selfishly, stupidly, wasted.
I've been watching S. intensely lately. I love to watch her face. Which is changing from a little girl face into a more grown up one. She is beautiful to watch. Her eyes are gorgeous. I've been watching her movements, her body language. The way, when she wants to make a point, she cocks her hip to one side and extends her index finger and gives us the business.
I've been listening as well. Bigger words have creeped into her vocabulary. It truly is jarring to hear the words that spill out of her mouth. But never swear words, she hates them. She has taken to "charging" her dad or me money when we slip up and say them. She won't even say the word "jerk."
I listen to her read at night, and she has come so far from halting and stuttering through a book. She now reads with inflection and fluency. My favorite thing is to listen to her read dialog in a book. She pitches her voice according to the story-line. I love having a reader. It is so miraculous. And I teach kids how to read. Somehow it is way more miraculous when your own child masters it.
She is so talented. She draws so well for her age that I think we really need to encourage this in her. She sculpts things in clay that I would never dream of tackling. She loves animals, all animals. I got out of the shower the other night and she was watching an episode of "Nature" and began telling us all about bugs. I had no idea she knew so much, or where she picked that knowledge up. She will play for hours in the back yard, she makes "brews" of mud and plants and bugs. She is never happier than when she is swimming. She pretends she's a dolphin. She twirls around in her floaty, singing songs:
Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, dear
I'm half crazy, all for the love of you
It won't be a stylish marriage
I can't afford a carriage
But you'll look sweet, upon the seat
Of a bicycle built for two
Cracks me up every time.
So, my baby is entering the "tween" world. With all the music, clothes, nail polish, girl gossip and attitude that come with that. I hope she retains the sweet qualities that I've come to love so much. I hope she has enjoyed being 9, because I've sure enjoyed it.
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