Overheard

Last Saturday we were out shopping. Pulling into the parking lot of our defunct mall, a lady in a beat-up mini-van cut us off and proceeded to drive at Andretti speeds across the lot. C. said a few choice words, and then we parked. And we watched the lady get out of her car, cell phone in hand. She was a rather large and scraggly gal. Lycra shorts, worn out tank-top. Flip flops. She was talking loudly into the cell phone, C. and I just gave one another a look, rolled our eyes and expected that to be that.

I do not, cannot, for the life of me, figure out why people on cell phones feel the need to talk so loud. It's as if their ears and brain aren't communicating well, and they must shout to translate for their own synapsis. It is not unlike the American Legion lady at my sister's Little League games when we were kids. It seemed her motto was, "If it's good enough to say, it's good enough to say at 194 dB."

So, we're innocently shopping and C. takes S. to the toy section of the store. I follow only because I want to make sure he doesn't allow her to actually buy anything. And then I overhear this same lady (several aisles over) still talking on her cell phone. She saying something about having recently given birth and something something hospital something something (loud snorty laughter) something something.

At this point I just can't take it anymore. I'm already in a bad mood, it is hot outside, and my patience is out the window. So I look at C., who completely understands, and tell him I'm heading over to housewares before I lose my mind, march over a few aisles and cram someone's (not saying whose) cell phone down their throat.

Blissfully, the housewares aisle is completely empty and I have a few minutes of silence. I'm taking a look at a soda siphon when C. pops his head around the corner and says,

"Just thought you'd like an update from you-know-who. First, her boyfriend's testicle has some sort of abnormality. Second, her uterus is a 'dead zone'."

All I can think of is this: Thank goodness, they've been stopped from producing any more of their kind.