Education

If my dad had any more letters behind his name, we'd have to call the alphabet police.

Seriously though. When I think of the fact that he had such difficulty reading until the fifth grade when he finally got a decent teacher to help him learn to read, I get teary. That teacher will never know what a chain reaction she started. What good she did. From struggling reader to a guy with degrees in Organic Chemistry and Business. I think she would be beyond proud.

Dad started teaching us early about life.

I like to think of my time as a child as one giant learning experience. Most children learn, yes. But I'm not sure that they were gifted with such an expanse of knowledge at such a young age. It was like we were in a very long college experience.

The Course Catalog

Physics 155 (for the non-major): Dealing mainly with the laws governing the family wood pile and the natural phenomena of wood slippage after displacement. This field of study will benefit those who find themselves in situations where a fluid and flexible attitude is needed. Prerequisite: Splinter Removal 102 and Ankle Wrapping 104.

Introduction the Rhetoric 230: Examines the role of role of communication with the parental unit. Students will evaluate the validity of the parental decision and the ramifications of discipline judged by the majority (child units) to be unfair or inhumane. Students must have prior experience with Interfamilial Policy Debate. Students must compete in daily debates regarding, but not limited to: bed making, meal completion, laundry arts, lawn care, as well as bedtime stipulation.

Food Chemistry 428: This course is intended to give students an overview of the chemical and physical properties of whole wheat flour as opposed to white refined flour, this will constitute the majority of the grade for this course as students will be required to listen to this lecture on a nightly basis for the entirety of their formative years. Students will also learn about carob and its involvement in the "Great Hoax of 1985". Also, the mysteries of the addition of bay shrimp to a perfectly decent pot of clam chowder, whole wheat noodles to anything, prunes, dates, homemade yogurt (unsweetened), raw, unpasteurized milk, goat milk, alfalfa sprouts, wheat germ, Bronchial Drops, and aloe vera juice will be explored.

Principles of Microeconomics 307: This course introduces the standard economic theory of the behavior of fathers in the home. Special emphasis will be placed on: the benefits of buying bulk, buying generic, why your mother spends too much on clothing, those shoes look perfectly good to me, and you kids can share that plate of food. Lectures will include the topics: "Why We only Go Out to Eat at King's Table and the Fiscal Benefits of the Buffet Lifestyle", "The Original DIY Guy, or Why Pay Someone Else to Do This Work When We Can Electrocute Ourselves for Free", and "Heck No We Can't Have a Lawn Service Mow, That's What You Kids Are For".

381 Independent Study: Students will be expected to remain flexible and open-minded in this course for those living with whimsical father figures. This course is modeled (loosely) on the Study Abroad many institutions offer. Students will be dragged from pillar to post and have the opportunity to experience alternative career and lifestyle choices outside of the classroom setting such as: visiting any and all pioneer cemeteries at the drop of a hat, spending an afternoon with hippies on an organic herb farm, a farm to table experience at a small farm where raw goat milk is produced, cutting and hauling firewood in rainy near-freezing conditions, spending an afternoon at a slaughterhouse, visiting and riding on a small scale ridable railroad, watching chickens being decapitated, mucking about in various barns, picking winter pears at the property of the Church of Scientology, watching your dad's best friend slice his hand open with a chisel and then watching the stitching up process, spending afternoons chatting up tattooed parachutists as they pack their chutes at the municipal landing strip, visiting the Tillamook Cheese Factory (before it got all fancy), fishing on the Little Nestucca River, eating peach shortcake from the Strawberry Patch, screeching to a halt for any and all fruit stands or anything on the side of the road marked "free". 

Yes, it was an education. Some weird, some fun, some downright miserable. But we lived to tell about it, and you know? There are not many folks who can say they've seen a slaughterhouse and managed to get anything free from the Church of Scientology.