The year winds down. We're in the last few hours of 2011. I've learned a lot this year. That is scary, but also a nice challenge. I take a look back inside my mind, and it hasn't been the absolute worst year of my life. I thought it would be pretty bad. But with my family and the help of some good advice, I weathered it. I am slowly coming out of my fearful state. What can I say? I have no idea why 2011 was the year of fear, but it was. My mantra has been (in most cases) "you are not in immediate danger." Try it sometime, it actually does help. I've learned to love myself a little more. After spending many many years in a holding pattern of self-loathing, I am also realizing that I'm not the black suck-hole of planet earth. I have some good qualities.
I discovered this year that a girl's self esteem begins to wane and be destroyed around age 9. Amen. I felt that in my life. Now is my time to reclaim self worth. I have a few talents, I should be nicer to myself. The running dialogue I've been having with myself beginning before adolescence and on up until now is getting old. I sure as hell hope S. doesn't begin this downward spiral. It is up to me to make sure she does not. It is a daunting thought. I think this year I will plan on not focusing on the temporal things I provide for her and begin to focus more on the intangible. What a gift she is. I need to treat her as such. Her self esteem might be the greatest gift I can help her develop. In this important time of her development, her brain begins a great "pruning" - certain functions her brain no longer needs will be lopped away, making room for other things. I'm wondering if this "pruning" is responsible for the cruddy attitude most pre-teens and teenagers have? I'm almost certain there is a connection. But anyway, this is the time to make sure she rides the teenage years with her self-worth as intact as we can make it.
I still miss my grandfather like crazy. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. This has been a year of mourning deeply. I never believed people when they said that it gets easier. It does and it doesn't. It gets easier because you do not mourn daily. The littlest things do not set you off as easily. But it is harder because you begin to forget the nuances of a person the longer you do not have them with you. There are times when I'd give anything to talk with him again. But I feel a very sweet and abiding presence - I refuse to think that it is anything but him hovering near when I miss him the most. And my memories are indeed sweet. He was a great gift in my life. And, at a time of year when gifts are so prevalent, I see that the greatest gifts are the people you have the honor of sharing this space and time we call life. I also refuse to think that he is anywhere but sitting in heaven having a great chin wag with anyone who stops by. My grandfather was no Faust, he did his time here on earth honestly, no selling of souls - he did things the right way. Now he earns his reward of knowledge, which I think is what his soul most thirsted for during his time on earth. It doesn't mean I don't wish him back most days. But it does give me comfort. I can live with it.
This coming year is the year I plan to let go. Let my selfish and terrified need of control go. I do not need to micromanage. It doesn't make friends or influence people. I plan on an easier ride this year. I hope you will too. One of the best things I've read this year, I will leave you with now:
It will all be okay in the end.
If it's not ok, it's not the end.
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